yo, just calm down

There are certain issues that I am extremely passionate about. I tend to lose my head and my temper when it comes to those issues. Rationally I know telling someone to get the f*** out of my house after they make a racial joke is not productive, but words and emotions flow quicker than rational thoughts. Therefore, I was pretty proud of myself this weekend. One of the guys that I hung out with is pretty much one of my best friends ever. He is an incredible guy, super-nice, hardworking, down to earth, all that jazz, just an awesome awesome guy. Which is why it is so hard for me to correlate that personality with his apparent homophobia and general close-mindedness. Now, I would never ever believe someone who told me that this friend treated someone badly because of their sexual preference...but I would believe he would probably be judging them inside. To preface this, this guy is pretty religious, he actually believes that sex was primarily meant for procreation between a man and a woman...a married man and woman. The reason I am proud of myself is because I think I got him thinking a bit by bringing up the fact that other mammals engage in homosexual behaviors and other facts I learned thanks to various psychology classes. The thing is, you can't really argue with someone's religious beliefs...but I think I at least got him thinking about it...like how could it be his right to take something away from others that was hurting no one? (i.e. marriage by the state) I wish that he knew more homosexuals. I think he has this crazy idea (that many men have I think) that homosexuals are somehow unable to control their sexual urges. It was nice though, to have a somewhat civil and thought-provoking conversation instead of my usual craziness. I should probably try that more often.

Great balls of fire

Ahhh, home...well, one of them. Back in Madison after a weekend in my hometown. It was a fun weekend, my cake turned out well so that's good. It's interesting being around my mom's family. The women are definitely some strong, opinionated women which is a pretty great environment to grow up in as a female. But they are also some intimidating ladies and a definite force to be reckoned with. Anyway, it was funny because my dad was the only guy there the entire weekend until two of my guy friends came over Saturday night. That's a little more estrogen than I can take.

So one of my guy friends is getting married a year from August and it was so strange to hear him talking about the cars he and his fiancee are going to buy...because they are more "family vehicles"...(my thoughts, "AAAAAHHHHHHHH! You are 20!") and all the things involved with the wedding...it made me feel really old. It made my guy friend feel like he was behind in his life...

The weekend definitely turned out about how I thought it would, great drinks, great food, great company...lots of laughs.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

One quiz and then I hit the road. I think it's good, I need a break from Madison...just for a second. I am super tired. I might leave the class after my quiz is over...I hate the class anyway. We'll see how I feel. I have tons to do this weekend, hopefully sleeping will be one of them. This is how big of a nerd I am: because I am so tired all the time, I have sadly returned to grabbing a soda in between classes that I'm falling asleep in (i.e. every lecture I have). However, a 12 oz soda puts my body into a tailspin and I end up looking like a crack addict on withdrawal: fidgety and shaky, my eyes darting around the room...so I bought a bunch of those mini-sodas, the 8 oz, what I like to call "Cute Cokes"...just enough caffeine to stay awake without people telling me that I should have finished out my rehab stint...now they only look at me crazy for pulling a cute coke from my bag...oh well. Saying cute coke is making me smile...although it gets a little hard to say after awhile.

I do not understand people who sit at a computer in the computer lab not using a computer...buddy, there is a line waiting for your unused computer...

I have realized that I am addicted to this: ...
I call them the pause periods but I'm almost sure I learned a real name for them in 8th grade...ok maybe chasing the cute coke with a coffee was not the best idea, I'm getting a little loopy. Should be an interesting 2.5 hours in the car.

So much to look forward to...

This weekend I'm heading home to celebrate my mom's birthday. This means time spent with my mom, dad, sister, 3 of my mom's sisters and her mom. Which can only equal lots of wine or other spirits, lots of fantastic food, lots of laughs and really loud conversation, especially as the night wears on...I can't wait. I am in charge of the desser Saturday night since we're going out Friday night. I think I've decided to make a chocoalte cake with milk chocolate mousse and hazelnut ganache...although the mousse will probably be more a mix of dark and milk chocolate. I've got some ideas for presentation...maybe I'll take some pictures. Anyway, I'm excited, but I have a ton of things to do.

We're getting two trainees this summer!! First reception we have done since I have been in AIESEC...wow, this is exciting.

Plans? What plans?

Last night's ICX meeting went well I think. Well, I left feeling good about it, I hope others did too.

I have been to Boston once, last summer. I have been to New York City once, when I was a sophomore in high school. I thought I was about time for a return trip to both. So I got a cheap ticket and will be flying out to Boston with Ali and Katie, driving to New York and then back to Wisconsin so I can actually earn some money this summer. I am extremely excited.

Today is a good day. Off to look at apartments with Marine...I know I live by myself during the summer, but it's really weird to think about living by myself during the school year. I think I'll get over it though.

Well aren't you macho

This was a pretty good weekend. Very productive but not in the school side of things. Lots of time with the family and friends, good food, good music, good conversation, and good learning on Saturday with ULDS, just what I needed.
Interesting story: I'm in this class, Earth's Water, that is chock full of athletes...which is just interesting because they are all in their own culture/social circle. Anyway, this one guy apparently has taken a liking to me and hits on me every now and then, especially when I look the worst...very confusing. Now, what I know of him so far, he's kind of the stereotypical football player, just to give you an idea of what he's been like. Anywho, a friend and I were walking to my neighbors Saturday night when we happened upon the earth's water guy. He talks to me for a second and then says to the guy I'm with (who happens to be my ex-boyfriend who got hit by the car and is now on crutches) "Hey playa, how's the leg?" and after he replies that it's fine, the guy slaps my friend on the butt...? Mind you, they have never met before. It possibly was one of the funniest things that I saw this weekend, especially my friend's face. You have to think that had something to do with a sense of masculinity in some way but...it was really weird.

Homework time...YES!

A clean slate

My room is officially clean in anticipation of my parents coming to town tomorrow. It will be my mom's first viewing of my apartment...strange that I will only be in here for another month. It's nice to have a clean room...dusted and everything. It looks so shiny and new.

Right now I'm waiting for the St. Cloud's and Eau Claire to come back and sleep. That makes it sound like a chore but it's not. I kind of feel like I deserve waiting up for (hopefully) drunk sleepover buddies since I have been less than rocking lately...which is the understatement of the year. I think I might do some Spanish homework...it's due tomorrow...it would make sense to have it done.

I watched Garden State tonight. It was good but I feel like I should watch it again and pay more attention.

*sigh*

I had a transitioning meeting with the next ICX VP, the lovely Tanja, today. It was nice. It was good to get things off my chest to an ICX member who was not VP-meaning someone with a different perspective than Ryan and I. I am not going to air dirty laundry on an international blog but suffice it to say that I generally have not been leaving ICX meetings with a smile on my face. Don't get me wrong...they are AWESOME members who are hard working and just generally fun people...but...Hopefully some things can get resolved on Monday and if they can't then I just hope that when I come back next Spring it doesn't feel like this and people don't dislike me...I don't know if they dislike me now. Whatever, I think Tanja will do a great job. Alright, I should strike while the motivation's hot.

What I should be doing

I should be writing a paper right now but...of course...I'm not. I forgot to mention that two weeks ago I tried hookah for the first time. Amazing considering the company I keep. I liked it although my sister and the other girl we were with thought it was funny to watch me cough at the beginning...my baby lungs are sensitive.

Anyway, the paper I should be writing is on the book A General Theory of Love for my human sexuality class. First of all, I think all male students at Madison should take human sex...it's just educational...maybe everyone should take it. Whatever, the thing about this book is that it has an interesting topic, but 75% of the time it could not be more boring. It does make me think...for example, it makes claims about infants and sleeping with their parents and then goes on about day care and the like. That's the thing with taking psychology classes, especially one about love and relationships. All you do is think about your personality, others' personalities, your past relationships, your future relationships...it's exhausting...There is too much going on right now, family, friends, relationships, school, AIESEC, studying abroad, apartments...guess I should get on that

On Saturday afternoon a friend and I were studying outside and decided to take a break. The conversation turned to the future and we realized a commonality-neither of us had any idea what we had a passion to do in our lives that would also bring us enough money to live at a level we were comfortable at. This guy is really hardworking, really motivated, really productive, so this was kind of a shocker to me. He seems to have given up hope of finding a job that he loves, that he can wake up everyday and be excited to go to work so at this point, doing nothing looks better compared to any job he can imagine. The crazy part is that he is still working towards a goal job in medicine, and working really really hard. I guess it's hard for me to understand that. Where do you find the motivation towards a goal that you are not all that passionate about except for perhaps the money it might bring in. The thing is, I don't think money is THAT important to him, it's just that he doesn't see a career that he can wake up and love everyday, no matter what the pay, so he might as well go for a career that does pay well. Which makes perfect sense to me. In same ways, I feel sorry for him that he doesn't really see himself finding a career he has passion for, but I look up to him for still finding motivation to work for something he doesn't really have passion for. Because maybe I will never find something that I can wake up and love doing everyday, but if I can never find that motivation that my friend has...I'm pretty much screwed.

Summer days, winter nights

If you have never lived in Wisconsin, or the midwest I'm assuming, you might not know how the seasons change here. Parts of the day change at a time. For example, it is currently spring after about 10 AM here ending slightly after sunset when it goes back to mild winter. For example, it is currently about 40 degrees F, but the high today was around 70...

Tonight I went to Cheeseburger in Paradise with three of my friends. Fun, I love going out to eat, especially off campus, which sounds strange, but it's more of an adventure then. haha. Then we just sat on one of my friend's porches, swinging...well not really swinging because I was afraid of hurting my crippled friend's knee...but on a porch swing none the less. It was a good night...chill. I could tell that one of my friends wanted something more than a chill night. He kept asking what we wanted to do and my other friend and I just kept saying "whatever, I'm fine here but if you want to go somewhere..." I think he started to get a little annoyed. oh well...I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow...I'll probably just end up studying outside. Now I need to sleep.

dip trip flip fantasia

I am in a fantastic mood...fanfrickentastic. And now, I must clean my room.

When the dust settles

I have two exams beginning in approximately 3.5 hours and ending in approximately 5.5 hours. Yes, both exams will be over by that time. I simply cannot find the motivation within me to study right now. I am too tired. I know most people are tired, but I'm starting to get worried here. I am sure it generally stems from my wacked out sleeping habits, non-compensation for spring break travels, less than stellar eating habits the past few weeks and definitely sub-par workout routine. At least I'm sure that's what my mom would tell me.

I can't wait for this weekend. I have no plans except doing homework for next week and almost definitely not drinking. Two friends of mine can't drink for two months and last week when I hung out with them they were kind of dwelling on it...what is there to do in Madison at night if you don't drink? It definitely doesn't help that they're on crutches either. I almost think it's a good thing. First of all, I think it's sad that it's hard for us to think of things to do that do not involve drinking. That's a bit ridiculous. We can sit around an apartment with a beer in our hand and feel like we're doing something but if we do that minus the beer, then we're bored? I currently have pretty much no desire to go drinking at big parties or even parties in general let alone get wasted (I know, near blasphemy from a Madison girl). Sometimes it just seems like we drink to make it easier to interact with people we don't know, but also that once we know them, the drinking keeps us from really KNOWING them. All I want to do right now is hang out with my friends. Not drink with my friends, not get trashed with my friends. Just hang out with interesting people, have good times that won't leave me with a hangover and questions about hazy memories. Though this may be the exhaustion talking or me just being smart since I have so much I need to do...and next month I'll probably be all about drinking. But my wildness comes in waves and it's definitely low tide now...

Reflection

I think in general I'm pretty introspective but recently I think I have been reflecting on my life and my future more than usual. Most people tell me that I should not be in a rush to figure out what I will do with my life which I would agree with if I was figuring out specifics. However, I'm really striving to figure out broad directions of my life. Do I want the quieter life punctuated by nomadness or do I want the nomad life punctuated by visits to midwestern suburbia. Had you asked me just a month ago, I would have been all about the life of a nomad. Due to certain events and recent reflections...I'm not so sure anymore. I know I could never get a point in my life where I would be ok not traveling and not experiencing new things. That's a given. But at the same time I think part of me has always been afraid that if I didn't have a job or lifestyle that forced me out of my comfort zone and area code, I wouldn't necessarily do it myself. I have always been afraid of getting too comfortable. I was never a girl that dreamed of getting married and having kids although I wouldn't be that surprised if that was how my life turned out. I never even considered the possibility of being a stay-at-home-mom until late high school...which is odd since my mom was for most of my life...it just never crossed my mind. I don't really know what I'm getting at...maybe just that I am tired of not knowing what I want my life to be...or maybe just that I shouldn't post when I am incredibly tired and stressed.

Freaking out

That's me...I am definitely stressed and tired and caffeinated and hungry...the ICX meeting in 20 minutes should be a fun experience for the members

The weekend

Well, this was a pretty good weekend. Friday night I hung out with some friends, two were the guys from the car accident which was kind of funny...we had a little crutches parade and got quite a bit of looks. Drunk people can be pretty mean and also get amazed by pretty stupid stuff. Anyway, we saw the movie Sideways, which was pretty good and I think I liked it even more because my family's pretty into wine. Saturday... cleaned, homeworked, worked out...that sounds right. Saturday night I went out with my sister to the bars, very fun, very drunk, I cashed early because I was falling asleep...oh well. Sunday I felt like crap, got a few things done, went to Lauren's for a Mary Kay party-hahaha-which was surprisingly fun, then we had dinner and I did my laundry for free. Oh yes, Saturday I also spilled coffee all over my laptop so this afternoon I have to take it in...as if today weren't packed enough.

Seriously, how do i do this

This entry is not intended to be bragging in anyway, I am more pondering my own unbelievable luck and impending doom...

Things have come easy to me pretty much my entire life. And I mean, really very easy. I have been really lucky and really blessed and looking back, really lazy. I am well aware that this will not always be the case and actually, should have stopped at at least 2 years ago. For example, yesterday morning I woke up with stats homework 1/4 completed, a 2 page spanish essay yet to be written, a large spanish homework assignment not even glanced over, and a psych of personality exam of which I had 1/10 of the reading done and slept through quite a bit of class...and also missed two because of the whooping cough fiasco-- all of this due in approximately the next 30 hours. I now have 4.5 hours to get my stats homework in and 4 fairly easy problems to go so I'm pretty much in the clear. I don't know why I do this to myself. I got like an hour of sleep last night. I'm sick all the time probably due to stress but I pretty much do it to myself by not starting out the semester right so I'm just trying to catch up all year. I could get fantastic grades if I just didn't procrastinate. But really, it's not just grades. I've been realizing lately that I really don't worry about the future. I mean, I worry about the future, I think about it all the time, but I don't actually do much about that worry. I don't do things for resume builders. In high school I wasn't involved in order to get into a good college and I have always gotten good grades pretty much because my parents always expected it of me so I expect it of myself...although I generally don't think I work hard enough to deserve good grades. Maybe more in college but definitely not in high school. I've discovered that I kind of just expect things to work out for me since they have in the past. I think this is very dangerous territory. I have known it was how I dealt with certain things but I'm not sure I ever realized that it was pretty much my entire attitude about life in general. There are exceptions of course. But I pretty much feel like, it will work out if it's supposed to work out, and I will get it done when I need to get it done...because that is one thing, I do get things done on time.

I have a lot of admiration for really hardworkers. My parents and my sister are really hard workers. Most of my friends are really driven also. I'm not quite sure what happened to me... I also don't really know if maybe this is just my standards for myself. Like maybe I actually am kind of a hard worker but, for my standards, I'm lazy? I doubt it. I need some sleep....