You got a heart, you got a mind, you got a soul

Tonight AIESEC Madison had a professor come in and talk to us about the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I am blatantly unintelligent when it comes to this subject. I still don't have an opinion, but feel more educated about the subject. The talk kind of put the stamp on a feeling I have been having lately...well not just lately but more profoundly lately...I am blatantly unintelligent in most areas. There are too many topics I want to learn about, too many authors I want to read, movies I want to see, musicians I want to hear. Lately I feel like this fact has just been leering in my face. I feel like I have been meeting or hearing about so many people who are just blowing me away. Of course, in AIESEC you meet a lot of people who blow you away with what their lives are like or what they have done, but it's a little different when it is someone in your local community or from your hometown who seems to be making such better use of their time than you are...than I am. I don't necessarily think I am wasting time...but I don't feel like I'm maximizing it. I don't feel like I'm steeping in culture, in experiences, in LIVING. I recently posted that I don't like to be busy and true as that might be, it's more that I don't want to be busy doing the conventional. I want my days to be filled with more than psychology and marketing textbooks and working and sitting around drinking, as much as I enjoy a nice beer with the friends...maybe sometime we could enjoy a nice beer with friends at a blues joint. Maybe it's that most of my friends are learning for classes what I want to learn about in my spare time. Last night I was pouring over my experimental psych book, pounding in different terms for theories and experiments while Ali and Adam sat across from me, whispering about things going on in Africa that I don't even have a scent of...and I pouted with jealousy for the rest of the night.

For you are a magnet and I am steel

This goes out to the NomadFest Egypt crew...that guy's not so impressive now

Sun lights up the daytime

Without expectations, you are very rarely dissapointed. You can learn so much from a latte, which may or may not be a good latte...but tastes mighty fine either way.

I am officially a quitter. I decided, "not to continue with the training" at my job. The stress level was a bit too high for something that I found zero enjoyment in. I don't really mind being stressed out for things I like. In fact I kind of enjoy the stress high that comes with overcoming a huge obstacle. I am probably more stressed on a daily basis than someone with my life should be but perhaps less than certain people I hang out with think I am. Last night I was talking to Ali about stuff including getting her opinion on me quitting, which at that point (after already talking to my Mom and Katie) it had become a "this is what I'm going to do, you should tell me it's ok" type of conversation. Ali took the devil's advocate route, or just really didn't think I should quit until I said, "Ali, you like to be busy. I don't." Do other people ever really overlook a huge part of their personality until they verbalize it? I said it and in my mind followed it up with an, "ohhhhh, yeah I really don't." I like being busy with things I enjoy or making some sort of difference to me or family or friends. But I like being able to have time to do a dance to some Peggy Lee, should the mood strike me. I am definitely a stop-and-smell-the-roses type of person. I think I would rather be considered that kind of person than someone who is too busy being a hard worker to notice the roses are even there. It's fine if you're the hard worker type, hell I surround myself with the hard worker types...and whenever those types want to stop and smell the roses, chances are that I will be somewhere near by with time to spare to share a smell.

this is perhaps one of my more pointless blogs but I am ok with wasting your time if you read through it all.

but I did not shoot the deputy

The first latte was made, was drank, was enjoyed (a little tepid in temp but fantasticness is only a few practices away). With the sun shining, homemade caffeine racing through my blood and Clapton rocking me through daily preparations...it's going to be a good day, even with over 4 hours of classes and 6 hours of work.

and she's waiting for the bell

RoKS was great fun but may have taken my last bit of non-caffeinated energy from me. So with a grande latte nestling in my stomach, I am starting the week....the week that I am deciding to call "My Hell Week." With two midterms looming at the beginning of next week, I start the training for my new job. Training consists of two weeks of 6 hour training sessions every day, five days a week. Yes, paid training, otherwise I would have obviously laughed in their face. This weekend I also have a formal party and a birthday party and time that must be put aside for the unavoidable sleeping, freaking out and dying of my brain cells...it would also be nice to work out at some point. The good news is that I will soon have an income, Lauren gave me some rockin stuff that she couldn't/didn't want to haul down to Kentucky (I may have to waste some time figuring out how to use an espresso machine...no idea how to work it but think it would cut down on my latte expenses quite nicely) and because I live alone I can put off cleaning and picking up the apartment for as long as I darn well please.

Beethoven's 5th Symphony

This is the type of stuff I'm learning about...

Olny srmat poelpe can...
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

On hour numero 2 at the library so far and it hasn't even cracked noon.

It's kind of strange how all this studying and all these classes hasn't really hurt my outlook right now. yes I'm overwhelmed, overcaffeinated, and overtired but other than silently freaking out, I'm still in a pretty good mood. Hell, I was downright chipper yesterday, even after getting two hours of sleep, bombing my cognitive psych exam, injuring myself, listening to bitter single girls go on and on and on (and on) about how much they hate valentine's day, and spending my downtime cleaning my apartment. Smiling for absolutely no reason while you're walking down the street is kind of embarrassing, which is really stupid. Anyway, there's really nothing I can do about all this. I can't drop a class, so I'll just have to try and skip my way through the semester, even if it feels like I'm crawling...uphill...on ice...carrying 100 lbs on my back...with broken arms...blind...you get the idea

We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray

Another green M&M with some cutesy saying like Smile:)! pops into my mouth. Fantastic Valentine's Day gift, thank you parents. I told myself they would be rewards for reading chapters of my Cognitive Psych book. In the six hours I squirreled around at the library yesterday they went from rewards for reading chapters to rewards for reading sections to rewards for reading pages to rewards for staying awake. Today they are rewards for simply being at the library. I have lost my soul to studying. Yet I can still only barely recall the interworkings and differences of the Gestalt, Humanistic, Existential and Cognitive/Cognitive-behavioral psychology. You throw Ellis and Beck in there and I will go straight into a coma. Although perhaps the rest of this bag of M&Ms will throw me into a sugar seizure, I'm sure that has happened before. I really don't want to do this anymore. I want to learn about things that are either interesting or I'll actually be putting into use. Although my marketing lecture is about as cool as a pet rock, the discussion is pretty interesting and the overall subject is great and comes easily enough to me. Now, don't get me wrong, psychology is great. It's interesting and useful...but if I have to learn about Freud one more time, I might just go puke on his grave, where ever it may be. I am sure there is a reason psych students are obligated to take Experimental psychology, but I have no idea what it is. I do not particularly care about being published or doing experiments about the reactions of dependent variable 1-237 to independent variable xy&z, and yet I have a corrected rough draft on my hands that may have more comments written on it by my TA than actual textual content. Fantastic. So, with no break in sight, and I'm talking about until the end of the semester, not the end of the day, I must continue my studies....because they are soooo interesting that I cannot help myself. Stupid library.

I have to say that one of my favorite times in AIESEC is when we get new members. And our new member socials... and my apartment overflowing with people at 4 in the morning...including newbies. Awesome


p.s. I got a job. yay

join the real world

I am apparently queen of the library. I have been here for almost 5 hours, written 4 pages of notes (both sides) on a chapter that I have already read for a test that I have tomorrow...ok I also took a break to work on my Chile powerpoint for GMM and read the shoutouts, whatever. After AIESEC and some chow time at Brats (in addition to birthday wishes for the Bruni) I will be back, scribbling away. I cannot believe this is how normal college students live. This will be a nice test to see if studying actually does help me. Maybe I'm immune.
RANDOM RANT: In my experimental Psych class we recently learned about Facilitated Communication. According to the video we watched, and based on what they said plus just watching it for myself, I cannot believe this is still being funded across the United States. I wish this were what my Experimental Psych class was about, showing us videos on practices that are entirely unsupported scientifically but still believed and in use. Although that would be really depressing and frustrating after a few weeks. Anyway, if you know someone with an autistic child that is a party to FC, find a tactful way to tell them to do all their homework...and see the studies where there was ZERO evidence that it worked (i.e. when the facilitator was shown a different picture than the autistic participant, the 'autistic participant' ALWAYS typed the name for the picture the facilitator saw and NEVER typed what he or she saw)

cuestion

I stopped at the local Chipotle to pick up some food for the library (yes, I am studying AT the library instead of watching the Super Bowl. If you find yourself asking "who is this girl and what has she done with Jenna?!?" join the club...it should be a new group on facebook) and the girl who made my delicious burrito obviously spoke only enough english in order to help customers. The other girl she was working with gave her some directions in Spanish before I stepped up. Now here is my quandery: I hated when people spoke to me in English when I was in Chile unless they knew me. When I was in restaurants and the waiters would start speaking to me in horrible English after hearing my broken Spanish, it would make me mad. I wanted to try, to practice, to learn. Now when I am at a restaurant and have someone waiting on me or bussing the table or anything like that and they speak spanish, all I want to do is speak spanish with them. But I don't want to come off patronizing, like I felt they were in Chile. I really don't know the solution to this. Do I speak English, although maybe they are sick of speaking English, or in this case it may have made the girl's job a bit easier? Or do I speak Spanish and risk them thinking that I think they are stupid or have bad English? The funny thing is, when I get the chance to speak to someone in Spanish that I know, I don't want to. Hanging out with Telemaco (our trainee from Mexico) I dreaded speaking Spanish. This may have more to do with being afraid that my spanish is still really horrible and if I speak Spanish with this person that I know, my secret will be out. Everyone will know that I studied in South America for 5 months and still just guess on whether a verb is preterite or imperfect. I know I should just suck it up and practice with people I know when I get the chance because I'm going to lose all the progress I did make while in Chile...oh well. Time to Study! YES!